I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people’s eyes when they realize they’re in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they’ve forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words.
Come with every wound and every woman you’ve ever loved; every lie you’ve ever told and whatever it is that keeps you up at night. Every mouth you’ve punched in, all the blood you’ve ever tasted. Come with every enemy you’ve ever made and all the family you’ve ever buried and every dirty thing you’ve ever done; every drink that’s burnt your throat and every morning you’ve woken with nothing and no one. Come with all your loss, your regrets, sins, memories, black outs, secrets. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you.
Don’t call me beautiful
I don’t care
call me intelligent
tell me my laugh is contagious;
that I made you smile
tell me I have something to offer
Better not to give into it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together again as it does to fall apart.
For much of my life I’ve listened to R Kelly records without question. Even after that infamous sex tape. I kept listening, even though part of me knew I couldn’t be someone who claimed to care about women and girls, yet support his work.
There was this tension. The tension was created by the fact that R Kelly records had woven themselves into the fabric of my life. I can’t remember the first time I heard “Vibe” it’s the type of record most babies born in the late 80’s don’t remember learning, because they’ve always known it. R Kelly’s records are ubiquitous. Infectious. They transport you back to a moment. “I Believe I Can Fly” reminds me of an important period in my childhood when I was starting to ask questions about justice and mercy and why life sometimes doesn’t offer them to us when we need them most. “Ignition” reminds me of Secondary School. “Step In The Name of Love” and “Happy People” are magical records that make me think of family, friends, love, and nights where just the right amount of liquor (and loving) makes things better.
As much as I loved R Kelly records, I had questions. However I pushed them aside. “Focus on the music, not the man” I told myself.
Recently I’ve resolved my cognitive dissonance. Pushed aside my musical tastes and thought carefully about what I choose to support, and critically what I speak out against.
I’ve been reading more about R Kelly’s lawsuits, looked at the mountain of evidence and questioned what our collective acceptance of him says about us as a society. At this juncture I’m forced to conclude it says that we value art above humanity. We will focus on a person’s contributions to the world, rather than defend the people they may have damaged in the process.
This makes me uncomfortable because R Kelly’s victims are the girls no one speaks for. Little brown invisible voiceless girls whose bodies are molested without their consent. Girls who grow into women who watch their predator being deified and exalted because of his music. Girls whose silence can be bought and swept under the proverbial rug. Girls who we really don’t care about. How R Kelly disturbed their bodies and minds doesn’t matter, what matters is that he’s a genius and we love his music.
I choose not to support R Kelly and in this piece for xoJane I articulate why. My question to you is this - what will you do?
In relationships a man must feel as though he deserves what is for him. He must feel he is deserving of a GOOD WOMAN. When he feels that he is deserving of goodness and beauty, in return he will then cherish what he loves, and what he feels he deserves. He will feel worthy. You will be his TREASURE. When men are mistreating you ladies, and not giving you the comfort and support you need, and you are doing all that you can to stand in his corner, it’s often times because he doesn’t feel he deserves YOU. It has nothing to do with him not realizing what he has. He realizes who you are, and feels he doesn’t deserve you. He can’t understand, nor comprehend your worth and value in his life because there is none. It’s his self esteem and self image that’s an issue and it has everything to do with him. Unfortunately, there is no amount of words or comfort that you can give him to make him feel worthy, and vice versa. These are his issues that he must be willing to work on and overcome. If he is not willing to work on his issues there is no potential space for anything to grow or manifest.
My Sista’s stop blaming yourself and feeling inadequate, and feeling as you don’t measure up. I know its hard because as men and women we are connected. We have been taught that our self worth is defined by our men. However, we can’t allow their feelings of self worth to determine our level of self worth, within a standard that does not exist. Continue to honor your own value and self worth, and work at increasing your ability to LOVE. Be the rose that grew through concrete. I LOVE YOU SIS. Don’t give up on LOVE. Gravitate to a KING that recognizes your beauty and worth, and balances your femininity, and raises you to a higher standard of excellence. Most of all keep pushing. ♥ ~ The Honey Diva
Smash Into You || Beyoncé